What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I was scared of men, in general

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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The only rule us 5 kids had .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

As i do to all so called friends.?

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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I was 9 years of age.

How many women have accidentally pooped their pants and became turned on afterwards?

But it wasn’t much.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I could never make a relationship work though!

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Where the ultimate outsiders.

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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

So, i spoilt her more .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She wouldn,t have been !

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I don,t even have a pension.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But, we were locked up after school.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Comes on , in middle age.

What did i know ?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I will be 64.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

One cannot live in the past .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

We were not on the streets..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We all went to grammer schools

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

When she asked me how she looked .

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She found it foreign!.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But ive been too sick for many years..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Ive learnt so much.

She married twice! .

I waited trembling.

I never cut or harmed myself..

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

My life is so biszare .

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I think the readers, may guess!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

All the time i was locked up.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was seconnd youngest,

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My family never makes their pension either.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I said to her

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Would this be the day?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Who then, do I blame.?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He knew the spot.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Put me off passion for life!!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

She loved him until the end.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He resisted the act ,that day.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

(And it was in our own minds.)

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Especially a lifetime of it.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Why did i forgive my father ?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I was very sick at this time too.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

It was going to be , some day.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Was to survive, this bastard.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I have no regrets .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

So whats the point in blame.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Im still living with it.

I write beautiful poetry .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

And i lived it daily.

She was in good health!

This is soul school!.